In the world of nature videographing, no one is more well-respected and globally loved than David Attenborough, which is a fact he is very much aware of. Despite his charming on-screen persona, the man is somewhat of a narcissist, and nature, the thing he claims to love so very much, is only a tool to him, something to use for his own personal gain. But this time, somewhere on the island of Madagascar, nature has finally gotten the best of him.
Around the world, millions watch as familiar words appear on the screen and a tone of voice unlike any other, begins to speak…
‘David Attenborough, In the Wild Jungles of Madagascar’
“I join you here today, In my first live program, to search for the Purple Spotted Lemur. A native to the beautiful, and surprisingly moist, jungles of Madagascar. With me is my cameraman, Jason, who is thoroughly stunned to be here with me on this thrilling adventure, and together we will be filming our search.”
Despite his protestations that Jason was thrilled, the poor man was anything but, and when he wasn’t adjusting the camera with all the enthusiasm of a deceased walrus, he was playing absentmindedly with his smartphone This may be one of many possible reasons that Jason scarcely noticed when a small, inconspicuous creature came crawling out of the bushes, making an almost inaudible noise. This noise would come to haunt humanity like no other; “Nun Nun Nun”.
Mr. Attenborough, on the other hand, could not help noticing the absurd creature.
“Oh my, we appear to have discovered a new species of tortoise!”
Jason absentmindedly twisted camera in Mr. Attenborough’s new direction of attention.
“NUN, NUN, NUN Nun Nun.”
“Fascinating, the Pigmentation! Such an amazing creature! Feel free to petition the scientific community to name it the Attenbor-”
Suddenly, quick as lightning, the creature dashes towards the camera. Screams can be heard as the camera falls to the ground, still facing Mr. Attenborough.
“Jason! What is it doing to you!”
The screaming continues, before mercifully coming to a halt. Around the world, people stare at their screens in horror, wondering what could possibly be worse than what is currently unfolding in front of their very eyes: the murder of a faceless journalist. Then the worse unfolds, as the creature turns on the famous and well loved Mr. Attenborough, known to billions. Vomit pours from the mouths of the masses, as the world discovers what SPEW has been hiding from them.
Dismembering the world’s most well-loved nature videographer had positively drained the Mollusc, and after he had his fill of camera parts and organs, he slunk back to his jungle home, where he lived with his Mollusc brethren. He told them through various ‘Nun’s that the human race was aware of their existence, and that they should pay them a visit. So, when they discovered that the cruise vessel that was intended to pick up Mr Attenborough and his cameraman, was docking within the hour, they were overjoyed. Soon, however, they realised that it may be slightly difficult to board a vessel when they were small, but still entirely visible, creatures. The day was saved when one of the more intelligent Molluscs had the bright idea to wear the skin of their victims. Carefully removing the remaining internal organs from the bloodied corpses with their teeth, they slipped into their skin in such a way, that if viewed, or even explained through text, would simultaneously arouse and disgust, so we shall remain silent on the matter (unless you are willing to pay us exuberant amounts of money). The Molluscs had a brave new world ahead of them, and this luxurious cruise was only the beginning.
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